not good at pretending

I get an email today from a friend asking if I'm going to Massachusetts this weekend. I'm not. 

She writes, "I thought maybe you were going to take a long weekend to the cape because of your recent blogs of unhappiness…."

Huh?  I thought I was masking it so well.  Guess not.

Life is basically good. Everyone I know is healthy and reasonably happy. And my days are not spent locked in a room feeling miserable. Really, I only have one major problem. If I could figure out a way to solve it, I believe I'd be happy. Or certainly a lot less stressed.

There's no point in describing it. For anyone reading this blog, it's been stated over and over. I've been trying for a long time to find a solution, and I haven't given up.

First I tried tutoring. I had hoped to build a business helping families navigate the application process to college. I created an online site. Sent flyers to private school students. And depended largely on word-of-mouth. I got a few good clients. Loved what I did. But earned barely enough to cover my phone bills.

Then there was real estate. A lot of time and energy went into this. Had to take 20 real-estate courses. Study (and pass) two tough exams. Secure a job. And then find clients. I sent out mailers. Contacted everyone I knew. Networked where I could. But when three people very close to me used other agents to sell their apartments, it kinda broke me. I was deeply hurt and became thoroughly disillusioned. The company I worked for is now close to bankruptcy; the owner had to settle some nasty public lawsuits; and the office I worked in has since closed.

Next was J. Hilburn. Great product — custom men's clothing sold directly, with top fabrics from Italian mills. All was good there until the commission structure changed last May, thereby reducing my small income to a minuscule one. 

And now there's Saks. I enjoy fashion and think I'm good at selling. But there is little correlation between effort and pay.

This week I participated in three different BAFTA meetings. One with the Board. One via video with top executives in the UK. And one this morning with the NY Events Manager. I like discussing strategy, and being involved with such talented people. Their insights and observations continue to humble me.

I know I still have much to contribute. I just wish I knew how to channel my strengths into a job that pays.

Let me know if you have any ideas.