lost friend

A few days ago was my friend's birthday. 

Growing up, Ashley was my BFF. Ashley is not her real name —though she'd probably find this funny as she is the antithesis of anyone named Ashley. 

We did everything together. Sharing teen-age girl-secrets, laughing hysterically all the time, and having endless conversations about boys, sex, family, and everything in-between.

We even celebrated our sweet sixteen parties together, where we both wore colorful tent-shaped dresses that were in style at the time. I wore a yellow bow in my hair; I doubt Ashley did.

Ashley and I were even roommates in college for a year before we both transferred.

Most of my daring behavior was with Ashley.  

We ran around a golf course nude one night in high school (with two guys, no less)  just because.

We sampled some vermouth from a home where we were babysitting.

We hitchhiked with skis.

We deserted a guy we were staying with and crossed the Kancamagus Highway in NH one dark night to stay with other guys we had met recently.

And we did other things too outrageous to write about.

We stayed good friends through the years, long after college, marriage (mine briefly and hers enduring), children (we both have one), and geography.

I loved Ashley; I still do. 

In 2011, my family invited a couple of friends of mine to come to NY to surprise me for my birthday. For no reason but forgetfulness perhaps, they didn't include Ashley. And although I knew nothing about the planning, I know she was hurt, as I would have been. I think that our relationship started to cool then.

In 2013, my dad died, And though she came to the funeral, we spoke only briefly.

In 2015 our relationship just seemed to stop. 

I believe her daughter was Bat Mitzvahed that year and I was not invited.

In 2016 —on her birthday — I wrote something on her FB wall that I thought was personal (well, as personal as one can get posting on a FB wall).  For my birthday, her post was pretty generic.

This year, I again wrote something on FB and included four photos from our past. For that I did get a FB like, same as everyone else who acknowledged her birthday.

I know I could call. Or write to her directly. But I'm too cowardly. I am too demoralized by my day-job to take on anything that could be upsetting.

Ashley and I share such a rich history.  I still hope there's room for a shared future.