friendship re-alignments

One hot summer I was not working and interviewing for a job at CNBC.  My friend Andrew was also unemployed.  Every night we would walk along the East River giving each other updates of our job search.  The SVP with whom I was interviewing at CNBC asked me if I knew Andrew A.  I was surprised by the question and said yes.  She then said, “You do know, don’t you, that he’s your major competitor for this job?”  I didn’t know. I ended up getting the job and adjusting my expectations of my  friendship with Andrew.

That was over 20 years ago and Andrew and I have stayed in touch. There was enough about him I liked to make having him in my life better than not.  

M’s mother died three years ago this month.  M had made plans to go out with three friends, but then her mom died unexpectedly and instead of going out for dinner with her friends, she was now at her mother’s wake.  Not one of these dinner-friends came, despite their having no other plans. One did acknowledge M’s mother’s death in her annual Christmas card to M. She handwrote sorry to hear about your mom on the same card that bestowed good wishes for the upcoming year.

A few days ago, on Christmas Eve, a good friend of mine invited a friend of hers (Sue) for dinner.  It was to be just the two of them, and their dogs who are also friends.  Late afternoon, my friend receives a text from Sue.  She is canceling as snow flurries are in the forecast.  Yes, snow flurries, not a major nor’easter. Sue is not disabled.  She is young and able-bodied.  And no, Sue isn’t driving.  She lives only ten blocks away.  So this friendship now has a caveat: Sue is good to be around at the dog run and for light conversation; don’t count on her for more.

I know I have disappointed friends, and they have sometimes disappointed me.  But not often.  I consider myself lucky.  I have many good friends I can count on, and I hope they know they can count on me.  Most slights or disagreements are worth moving past.

But sometimes re-categorizing a friendship is the only appropriate response. There is no good explanation for hiding the fact that you are competing for the same job as your friend. Or not acknowledging a parent’s death except to include mention in your annual holiday card. Or texting a last minute cancellation for a Christmas Eve dinner where you are the only guest and you don’t want to risk being hit by a snowflake.

I am grateful for having so many friendships that can withstand a change in weather.