helping the elderly

Let me clarify.

I’m not talking about the volunteer kind where you go to a hospital and read to an elderly person.  Or the kind where you grocery shop for them.

No, I’m talking about the kind where an elderly relative calls and says, “I just read something on dot com and now it’s lost.  I think my computer is broken.”  This recently happened to a friend of mine with her aging aunt.  

My mom will occasionally call me asking for a similar kind of help.  “My computer’s not working.  I think there’s something wrong with it.”  Computer is how she refers to her iPad. “ I keep pushing the buttons and nothing happens.”  Why is it that some people refuse to learn the right vocabulary?  If I correct my mother and tell her it’s “clicking on a link” not “pressing or pushing a button” she gets impatient and says, “You know what I mean.”  Actually, sometimes I don’t.

So recently, my friend M tells me a story about helping her elderly Aunt Lucrezia with a problem she’s having with her landline.  “Even better,” I tell M, "write it up and I’ll post it.”

So here’s M’s story.

Sunday.  A visit with Aunt Lucrezia. I’m tracking a few minutes behind schedule and I know this will throw her for a loop.  I call to let her know I’ll be fifteen minutes late.  I have an image of her standing by the doorway, dressed, redolent of Jean Nate cologne.

I dial: Busy

I try again ten minutes later: Still busy.  Hmm.  Odd.

Then my phone rings.  Cousin Patty says, “Listen, if you’re trying to get Aunt Lucrezia, she said her phone is acting irradical and that you should call her on her cell.”

I can just hear my aunt saying my cell.  As if cell phones were a new invention —  like that Seinfeld episode where the woman drives Elaine crazy by talking about her fiancé all night because she loves letting everyone know she has a fiancé.

I get to my aunt’s house and she asks me to check out the phone. I am her tech crew, and I am not all that technical.

Batteries are okay.  Phone lines are connected.  Cords are connected to outlets.  No hardware problems.  Then I notice that the message in the screen reads No Line.

I ask Aunt Lucrezia for a copy of her phone bill.  Of course she has it….filed in the same box as her Medicare EOBs from 1987.

I call Verizon. 

I have to get past the main number….to the tech support…then plug in my aunt’s 4-digit code (filed in a separate box)…then her 3-digit code (from her phone bill).  Then they transfer me to the landline department (I started in Verizon Wireless) where I need to repeat all the same steps I just did.

Now I’m six menus deep into the call with Verizon.  I’m on hold waiting for a technical person.  Total elapsed time since calling Verizon: twenty minutes.

Finally…a real person comes on the line.

Verizon:  Hi, This is Kevin.  What is the nature of your problem?

Me: Hi, Kevin.   This is Lucrezia Muccino  (I give him my aunt’s name thinking they would ask to speak to the account holder and knowing no good could come from that). I’m calling to report a problem with my phone line.  I checked all the equipment inside and it seems to be fine.  The message window says NO LINE.  My guess is that the problem is outside.  Can you run a test to determine if it is indeed an outside problem?

Aunt Lucrezia:  Hey, M!  M! Is that Kevin? (She’s waving her hands wildly across from me and I’m trying to ignore her).  M!  Ask him if he’s from Everett! (her town).

Me:  (Incredulous…I wave her off…what is she thinking?  That by some coincidence she happens to know this one person at Verizon, who for all I know may in the Philippines?)

Aunt L:  Ask him if he’s related to the Cannizarro’s?

Me:  (Hand over phone so Kevin can’t hear me) Aunt L—I’m pretty sure he’s black.  He’s not related to the Cannizarro’s unless you go all the way back.

Aunt L: I want to talk to him.

I hand her the phone.

Aunt L:  Hi, Kevin, this is Lucrezia Muccino too.  There are two of us by that name here!  (She winks at me like she just outsmarted Kevin).  Listen, did I meet you at the Verizon office in Everett?

Kevin: (God Bless him): Uh, no, Ma’am.  I’m in Atlanta.

Aunt L: Oh, cuz I was wondering if you were related to the Cannizarro’s from Everett.

Me: Aunt L—give me back the phone….NOW!

Me: Kevin…what needs to be done next?

Kevin:  I’ll send someone out there tomorrow to fix the line.  The test determined it was an outside line. 

It’s nice to help the elderly.  But if helping involves technology of any kind, be sure to come equipped with a large reserve of patience.