becoming a mother

In March of ‘92 I was 41. Single. Head of marketing at CNBC.  Madly in love with 29 year-old Eric.  And pregnant.

During the first three months of my pregnancy, I felt a tiredness that is not of a usual kind.  Around four every afternoon a heavy cloud of fatigue would envelop me.  But starting month four, I felt great.  I loved being pregnant.

My family was at first skeptical.  Are you sure you’re doing the right thing?  Do you have any idea how expensive it is to raise a child?  Are you prepared to do it alone?  

I wasn’t sure of any of the answers, but it didn’t matter.  I was having this baby and I wasn’t at all scared.  In fact, I felt blessed, and I’m not a spiritual person.

Eric and I went skiing at Snowbird in early April.  We returned from our vacation, and then didn’t speak for the next six months. At the end of September, Eric called.  It was Rosh Hashanah and I was home from work.  He was going out to the Hamptons to lock up his parent’s home and would I like to come.  I didn’t hesitate.

Eric hadn’t seen me since April, when I weighed about 115 pounds.  I was now about 30 pounds heavier. 

We had a lot of time to talk; Eric still hadn’t told his family.   Being a father was not part of his immediate plans, although truthfully, Eric wasn’t that much of a planner.

After that day, I didn’t see Eric for about a month.  Then he called in late October and we got together.  It was a fiery, unpleasant evening, and nothing was resolved.  He said he’d call me the next day and let me know what he was going to do.  He didn’t call.

Two weeks later, on November 8, a Sunday, Eric finally called and wanted to see me.  This was the first time in our three-year on-again, off-again relationship I said no to seeing him.  “I am too close to having a baby.  My due date is less than two weeks away; I don’t want to risk getting into a screaming match again,” I told him.  “I promise, it’ll be nothing like that.”  And so I invited him over.

Eric told me that night he had decided to be involved in our child’s life, but not in a relationship with me.  His parents and sister also wanted to be part of the baby’s life. They have been there every step of the way.  

Eric left and early Tuesday morning I went into labor.  That evening, around four, I went to the hospital, and Eric met me there.  He was with me when Alexander was born a little after 1am on November 11.  It’s as if Alexander knew, I guess it’s safe to come out now.

I have had many roles in life.  But none has been as satisfying and as joyous as being a mother. 

Alexander calls today to wish me a Happy Mother’s Day.  He is overwhelmed with all he has left to do in the next three days.

This Saturday he’ll be home.  My apartment will be messier.  I’ll need to buy three times as much food.  I’ll worry a little bit every time he leaves the house.  But still, I cannot wait.

Happy Mother’s Day.